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Mindfulness offers us a powerful tool: the space of a slow, deep breath between an external stimulus and our internal response. In this space, we find the capacity to shift from reactive patterns to conscious choices.

For couples, a truly secure connection isn’t just about shared vision or investment, though those are vital. It’s about cultivating a relationship that functions as a ‘higher purpose,’ fostering a receptive rather than a reactive state between partners. The focus then moves from the brain’s automatic, adaptive survival responses to the more considered ‘wise adult’ part. This is the part of us that has the luxury and the skill to choose how we show up in everyday situations, especially challenging ones.

To harness this ‘wise adult’ capacity, we must learn to move beyond our immediate, often unhelpful, reactive impulses. Instead of automatic reactions, we can pause, breathe, and select a more deliberate and skillful approach. Relational Life Therapy (RLT) provides profound insights into this dynamic, teaching how our adaptive brain (focused on immediate safety) differs from our wise brain (capable of broader perspective and connection). Drawing upon contemporary neuroscience and the deep experience of therapists like Terry Real, RLT equips couples with the necessary skills to transform their relationship from a potentially dysfunctional ‘you vs. me’ dynamic into a more collaborative, understanding, and ultimately, a more loving ‘us.’

It’s an essential truth that to heal a relationship, we often need to address the individual parts of each partner. Many of us carry imprints from past experiences, particularly if emotional support was lacking in childhood, leading to the development of certain survival strategies. While these strategies were once protective, they can inadvertently hinder intimacy in adult relationships. Even without conscious memory of past traumas, our bodies often remember, leading to ‘knee-jerk’ reactions in stressful situations or during conflict. These ingrained responses can push our learned adaptive strategies into overdrive.

The path to healing and transformation begins with awareness. By recognizing the parts of ourselves that react from fear, rigidity, or defensiveness, we can unlock our wiser, more compassionate self. This inner shift involves nurturing our inner child, re-evaluating old impulses, and consciously choosing actions that foster growth. This power to choose is what allows us to revitalize not only ourselves but also our most important relationships.

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Is there a future for the two of you?

Most of us place exponential expectations on our chosen companion. We want them to fulfil us emotionally, sexually, romantically, intellectually, spiritually… and forever. So how do you actually know if your relationship chance of surviving and thriving? If your answer to most of the below statements is ‘yes’, don’t hesitate and RESUSCITATE 🙂 :

1. We are each other’s priority in life
2. We enjoy spending quality time together
3. We are still learning and growing when together
4. We have a similar sense of humour and our own banter
5. We are both committed to taking active steps to reconnect
6. We are ready to allow an expert to bring out our best selves
7. We are open-minded people and are both willing to put work in
8. We respond positively to each other’s good news and emotions
9. We care about each other and there is love (even if we’re not ‘in love’)

It’s complicated. But it doesn’t have to be.

Please don’t hesitate, and reach out to me to find out how I can help you get from chaos to clarity.

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